First Against the Wall: deNihilism in Privilegeland

I have emotions about the Bernie or Bust movement, lots and lots of negative emotions. But the "progressives" vowing to vote for Trump to "Bring the Revolution" are cracking me up something fierce. They are all up in my face about how ignorant I am and I need to think things through and wooooooooboy. Someone call in the Dunning-Kruger Isolation and Quarantine Team; this shit appears to be contagious.

"Progressives for Trump!"

Several months back, Trump switched from being just a loud-mouthed bigot to being a loud-mouthed populist bigot and suddenly became the most popular Republican ever. How did he do this?

By Stealing Bernie Sanders' Lines

Did I mention "Establishment?"

Sanders was resonating with voters on class issues and raging against "The Establishment," a term that he uses so loosely that it means whatever the listener wants to hear, with a side order of "someone who likes my opponent." Well, when you're recycling old propaganda and making it even more nebulous, you open the door for your material to get stolen by someone who means it even less than you do. Enter Donald Trump.

Soon, every Sanders stump speech was Trump's next one. A lot of the GOP has been rooting for Sanders (and spending their super PAC money on him) while very conveniently omitting the word "socialist" from their vocabulary. Of course, in every other recent campaign, any Democrat was branded a socialist because boogeymen, but this year there's an actual socialist and suddenly, the word is taboo. They were just hoping that he'd win, they'd play the Socialist Boogeyman Card and voila! Republican President! As long as Sanders is around, he can be their double feature of Useful Idiot: The One We Can Beat and Useful Idiot 2: The Spoiler. Might as well steal his schtick while they're at it!

I considered putting "Establishment" on every square.

Only one of these is an ugly caricature. Can you spot the trend?

It really became hilarious when one of the Koch Brothers started writing anti-Establishment editorials for news sites, decrying the power of the 1%, the game that is rigged in his favor personally. 

Then in North Carolina, it was copied to justify discrimination against LGBT people, who are totes "The Establishment!" or whatever. I wasn't the only one who noticed, but really, if the Koch Brothers convince you that they're anti-Establishment, you should just join the Birchers already and get it over with. US OUT OF UN!*

Wait, Is Trump a Republican Progressive?

You're kidding, right? It should be pretty clear to anyone who bothers to think about this for more than six seconds that despite the identical rhetoric, the Poster Boy for the 1% is not actually running on the same platform as Sanders. But to angry reactionaries-- especially sexist ones who supported Sanders because his platform prioritizes white dude problems, who think vagina voting is actually a thing*2, and who hate Clinton for her gender-- the important surface stuff is there. "We're angry white guys. We're concerned about money. You're oppressed, angry white guys! Blah blah blah." But let's prove it just for fun.

What are Progressive values?

I've compiled a list from multiple sources (emphasis denotes later coverage):
Fairness and equal rights for all; equity; equality; strength and toughness; fiscal responsibility; ethical business practices;  health care for all; caring; responsibility; protection; fairness; freedom; opportunity; prosperity; community; service; cooperation; trust; honesty; open communication; no special privileges for the well-connected or wealthy; unselfishness; a foreign policy that reflects these values.

How does Trump compare?

• equal rights for all: he keep changing his abortion stance; he wants to round up the Muslims; he claims that a Hispanic judge shouldn't be allowed to rule on his cases because Trump attacks "Mexicans." Fail.
• fiscal responsibility; ethical business practices: he uses bankruptcy to mitigate all losses but keeps all gains; he thought that people would buy steaks if they bore his name; he routinely denies or delays payment to workers; he employs people at very low wages at foreign hotels. Fail and fail.
• caring; responsibility: he mocks disabled people, denigrates women, thinks that Muslim equals terrorist. He takes personal credit for any business successes that he's involved in in any way, but blames others for all losses. When media quote him and people dislike what he said, he says that the media lied-- even in cases where we have multiple videos. Fail with a side of fail.
• community; service; cooperation: can you imagine Trump serving food at a soup kitchen because it's the right thing to do? Me neither. Fail.
• honesty: he doesn't even care to make his lies consistent over the course of one debate answer. Fail.
• no special privileges for the well-connected or wealthy: you mean like tax loopholes for Donald Trump? No Trump branding name recognition? No networking with the rich folks? Fail.
• unselfishness: have you ever heard of Trump doing something to help someone else? Me neither. Fail.
• a foreign policy that reflects these values: "firebombing over there" isn't a caring, responsible, ethical, community-supporting, Muslim-accepting, or even fiscally responsible policy. Megafail.

OK, so he's not even close to being a progressive. Why would "informed progressives" vote for him, then?

BERN IT DOWN

According to Marxist historical theory, real change happens when the government is providing outdated services while continuing to require payment for services in disproportion to the current value provided. This makes the people deeply unhappy, so they rise up and overthrow the government, replacing it with one that provides what is currently needed instead. For instance, Vikings start invading and the rich dude with a castle offers to let you in if you become his serf and work his fields. You value safety so that doesn't seem too terrible. But then the Vikings stop invading and those castle walls aren't important anymore, so now you're a serf for no reason. So you storm the castle, redistribute some wealth, redistribute the rich guy's organs, build some irrigation infrastructure, and put someone in charge of taxation and maintenance.

I find this theory to be quite useful, not because it is accurate or predictive, but because I am opposed to memorization and it helps me recall the order in which events happened. The Bern it Down progressives, though, think of this as a predictive model. Therefore, if they elect the terribleist*3 candidate, everything goes to hell, we overthrow the government, redistribute some wealth, redistribute Donald Trump's organs, taxidermy his hair, make college free, and give Bernie the pursestrings. This motivates the Busters to help the candidate that "will screw things up the most."

Interestingly, while many of them state outright that Clinton is the worst ever for reasons that they can list at a length of about 30 pages-- and "far worse than Trump"-- it's not Clinton who they think will bring the revolution; it's Trump. It's almost as if they realize that Trump is worse but they just can't stop hating Hillary Clinton for some reason. Nothing to see here! Move along!

You Say You Don't Want Revolution

That would be very disruptive to the lives of people who already face hardship due to race, gender, disability, orientation, etc. Take me, for instance. I have Godzilla allergies and I take 11 allergy medications every day plus 2 after each shower. I can only take certain brands because of inactive ingredient allergies. Disruption to my medication flow could leave my immune system in a state in which just about any allergen will kill me. Now let's imagine that there's a revolution and due to the revolution, shipping becomes interrupted. Food and life-saving medical supplies become a shipping priority and because antihistamines are considered a "lifestyle" drug, I can now only get Benadryl, which is rationed at a dose 1/24 of my maximum daily allotment. Two years later, the civil war ends, but I won't much care because I died three months in.

Revolution is not so great for me; disruptive revolution is for the privileged. Seriously, stop "explaining" that "what's best for both of us" is stuff that will make me die sooner.

Viva La Revolucion!

But let's talk in concrete terms about the steps in this plan:

1. Trump wins.
2. Minorities lose their civil rights.
3. No Vikings.
4. REVOLUTION!
5. Steal underpants.
6. Bernie on a unicorn.
7. GOOD GUYS WIN!
8. Free college!
9. Minorities regain their civil rights.
10. Happily ever after!
11. Maybe Vikings.

So what exactly does this revolution entail?

Starting a civil war to overthrow the duly elected President, going up against the US Armed Forces who would likely stand with the rule of law and their Commander-in-Chief, while the conservative militias pop up in support of the President. 

So basically, 98% of the guns, armored vehicles, soldiers, ammo, camo tarps, astronaut ice cream, and Ted Nugent cells will be on one side and on the other side will be some unarmed guys who really rock at First Person Shooters and confusing rhetoric for logic on the Internet. And the unarmed guys are going to win, obviously, because... because they're "right."

Forgive my skepticism, guys, but this isn't a movie. You can't draw a gun faster than someone can pull a trigger and by the way, you are greatly outarmed. Please don't include me in your uprising, mindless jerks who will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes because the revolution will fail. While I'm at it, the revolution that will not be televised is explicitly not centered around white problems, so stop appropriating Black poets to suit your ends.

The answer is: "the unarmed guys who picked a fight with a flock of tanks."

But once they're dead and the war ends, the rest of us are still fucked because the process stopped between "lose civil rights" and "regain civil rights." It's too risky for us. Frankly, it's a plan that can't possibly work. It's a death trap. Best case scenario, Ted Nugent teams up with the dad from Tremors to wrangle worms to eat you and then the revolution is over and we go back to normal bad "Trump is in charge US" that won't actually kill me. Worst case scenario, Trump doesn't get his way one day and has a conniption, banging repeatedly on the shiny red button.

At least we'll have underpants.

* Need moar blink tag!

*2 Nope, still not a thing.

*3 How was that in spellcheck?